ncle Skeet and aunt Jenny are once again having trouble with church. Having been booted out of a number of houses of worship over the years, Skeet and Jenny decided to drive over to a neighboring town to worship, hoping that no one there would recognize them. As expected, things did not go well.
First things first. During the pastor’s sermon, Skeet fell sound asleep. Not only had Skeet dozed off, he started snoring. Skeet’s snorting and snoring was so disturbing the pastor stopped his sermon and addressed aunt Jenny straight to her face. “I would appreciate it ma’am if you’d wake your husband,” the pastor said. “This is a house of worship, now a rest home.” Just like Skeet, Jenny failed to engage her brain before speaking. “Howza about YOU wake him up reverend,” Jenny said. “After all, you’re the one that put him to sleep in the first place!” The preacher was not amused.
Thanks to all of the commotion, Skeet finally woke up, but it wasn’t the end of the saga. The preacher regained his composure, shifted gears and launched into an impassioned sermon about death and the final judgment.
Raising his voice, the preacher bellowed, “Each and ever member of this church is going to die and eventually face judgment!” Those words had barely left the preacher’s lips when he looked down at the front row and saw Skeet was grinning from ear to ear. Staring directly at Skeet this time, the preacher raised his voice even more and proclaimed, “Each and every member of this church is going to die and face final judgment!” Skeet just nodded and smiled even more. Well, that didn’t set so well with the preacher. This time, the preacher left the pulpit and walked down to the front row where uncle Skeet and Jenny were sitting. Face to face and practically nose to nose, the preacher got up in Skeet’s face and roared, “Each and every member of this church is going o die and eventually face judgment!!!” Surely he had gotten through to Skeet and Jenny, the preacher thought. But he hadn’t. Skeet just sat there grinning like the cat that ate the canary. The preacher’s face turned beet red as he stared directly at Skeet and said one more time, “EACH and every MEMBER of this CHURCH is going to DIE and eventually face JUDGMENT!,” the preacher shouted. Well, Skeet just sat there and grinned from ear to ear. “So tell me sir, just why is it you are smiling at such an important message about the final judgment – a message that that comes straight from the Holy Bible?” the preacher asked. Skeet just smiled and said, “Because we’re not members of this church!” As expected, the fuming preacher asked Skeet and Jenny to leave the sanctuary, suggesting they find another house of worship – anywhere but in his community.
After that embarrassing incident, Skeet decided he might try attending a Catholic church. As you might expect, Skeet knew just enough about the Catholic faith to be dangerous. So, instead of taking the time to learn about the religion, Skeet decided to skip forward and try out this thing the Catholics call the confessional.
Skeet patiently waited for his turn, entered the solemn, darkened confessional booth and announced that he had sinned. “Yes my son, tell me your sins and you shall be forgiven,” the priest said. Skeet took a deep breath and told the priest, “Father, I’m 65 years old and I’ve been married for nearly fifty years to my beloved wife Jenny,” Skeet said. “But last night I was intimate with a shapely 19 year old blonde girl who works at a fast food restaurant down the road from our house.” The priest paused and asked Skeet, “So when was the last time you made a confession?” Skeet replied, “ Never, I belong to the Baptist Church a couple of counties west of here.” The priest was confused and became somewhat agitated that someone of another faith would walk into his church and make light of the solemn sacrament of confession. “Then why are you telling me all of this?,” the priest asked. “Heck, at my age, I’m telling anyone that will listen!” And as you might expect, the priest booted Skeet out of the confessional, through the front door and out onto the street.
The priest was so upset by the incident that he canceled the rest of the confessions for the day and called the Bishop to report the incident. “Calm down my son,” the Bishop said. “Just tell me what happened, and I’m sure everything will be just fine.” Well, the priest launched into the full story of Skeet’s visit, complete with a vivid account of how he bounced him out the front door and into the street. “So, what did this guy look like?,” the Bishop asked. “Well, he was wearing an old musty brown Carhartt jacket, blue bib overalls, smelled like a goat and had nose hairs about three inches long,” the priest said. The Bishop gasped. “That sounds exactly like the drunk that wandered into the confessional of the Cathedral of St. Mickey’s a few weeks ago and messed himself,” the Bishop said. “That’s the same idiot that just sat there asking me there was any paper on my side!”
The Bishop then instructed the priest that he might want to close the confessional down until he could have it professionally steam cleaned.
Proof once again that Skeet “just ain’t right” - especially when it comes to places of worship.